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From My Heart: Self Hatred

Mon, 01 Sep 2008 17:59:00
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To Whom It May Concern:

Hello, it’s me again. Just one person talking to another from the heart. I would like to talk about self hatred. When I was in school I used to be ridiculed for trying to be a good student and excel in my school work. I was afraid to carry my school books around because I would receive so much harassment. I was told I was trying to be too good for who I was. Do some people hate themselves enough to consider learning too good for them? Obviously these kids didn’t like themselves very much to think they weren’t deserving of an education, to think it was only for someone else.

Self hatred is like a virus, it can be contagious. Every day that I walked home from school, I had to fight someone “because”.just “because” they wanted to fight. I became very unproductive after a while because my main goal in life was to get them before they got me.

When I tried to be nice to the girls, they seemed to reject me; they saw my kindness as weakness. On the other hand, they flocked to the bullies of the class, the ones who treated them badly and took them out of their nurturing spirit. After witnessing this for years, I actually started to think that I had to be macho to be a real man. I had to be mean and disrespectful to girls to get their attention, to act as if I didn’t care and it worked. Obviously, these girls didn’t like themselves very much if they thought they didn’t deserve to be treated with respect.

It became a vicious cycle. I was isolated because all those who loved me now avoided me due to my actions.

I discovered that part of self hatred stems from not being able to forgive yourself for past wrongdoings. This, too, becomes a vicious cycle. Once you forgive yourself, you can then try to do better, to not repeat those same wrongdoings, and then start to like yourself. Now that I’m older and I like myself, I look back and see the misery self hatred causes.
Through my travels and relationships with others, I have seen some form of self hatred in every community and walk of life. Sometimes, even within your community, you have to stand alone and do what’s right for you. In order to thrive in this world, I have had to put myself in a position to be productive in society. Regardless of what others think, say or do, being productive, having a purpose in life, is what gives us hope. Purpose gives us a sense of value. Everyone has a purpose in life; every single person is an important and valuable part of humanity.

I believe if I fail in life or succeed in life, it is because of my attitude about myself. We all have struggles, we all feel bad about ourselves at some point. I have realized, though, that I must overcome my struggles using my own credibility and positive energy because my world is bigger than just me. I know it’s easier said than done. I have had many failures, but I know I must continue to try. Does it get better? Yes it does. I am encouraged by every accomplishment, no matter how small, and I am pressed to do better by every failure. These are just my experiences. If I have reached the heart of just one person, I will feel I have been of some worth today. I am not judging anyone, so please do not judge me.

Your Humble Servant

 
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